“When you compare, you despair.”
Let’s face it: we all compare. Try as we might, comparison often happens without us even noticing that we are doing it. Have you ever looked at someone else’s car and thought about how beautiful it looks compared to yours? Have you ever looked at someone’s career path and felt that twinge of envy or dislike because they are seemingly farther ahead than you? Have you ever thought about someone’s family circle and wondered why they are so fortunate to have those connections, but you aren’t?
So many of us don’t think that we compare, but subconsciously, we do. We might have heard the statement—and know it on a cognitive level—that comparison really is the thief of joy. And yet, we all fall into the trap of comparing ourselves, our lives, our achievements, our dreams, our needs, our hopes, and our possessions with those of others.
So, why is comparison really “the thief of joy”? And is there any truth to the statement, “When you compare, you despair”?
Here’s the thing: when was the last time you compared yourself to someone and actually ended up feeling better about yourself or your situation? I’ll be bold and say that it’s almost never.
Let’s make a key distinction here, because I know all the doubters are in the back shouting, “But comparing helps me get motivated! Comparing helps me see what I can do to be better, improve myself, and succeed!”
Now, I’ll say it straight: there’s a big difference between comparison and admiration or motivation. When you compare yourself with someone, you end up feeling down about yourself, full of despair, and sometimes envious of the other person. When you look at someone with admiration or begin to inquire about what you can do to take the next steps toward improving yourself, you become motivated.
The difference is subtle but important. Comparison ends up making you feel bad. Motivation and empowerment, on the other hand, can result from looking at other people’s paths and setting goals for yourself—not out of envy or hatred, but out of genuine admiration and purposeful movement toward meaningful goals and habits.
So, what’s the way out?
It’s very simple to say, “Great, I’ll stop comparing!” Or perhaps you decide to view every person who has something you desire as motivation to pursue your own goals. Sadly, it’s not that easy.
But there really is hope. It’s a matter of being mindful of your motivations, thoughts, and feelings. There are certain steps we can all take to decrease the amount of comparison that creeps into our lives.
First, decrease your use of social media. You’ve heard it before, and I’ll say it again: social media really can be the thief of joy. Scrolling through other people’s posts and pages, focusing on the number of likes and followers, and comparing their lives with yours will often lead to thoughts that do not edify you or move you forward in your life.
Stop following people whom you often compare yourself to. Decrease the amount of time you spend scrolling. Take an honest look at your social media habits and consider whether the people and pages you follow add to your life in meaningful ways. If they don’t, just stop. Unfollow. Unsubscribe. Disconnect.
Next, when a thought of comparison comes your way—because it will, and it can be difficult to stop it completely—pause immediately.
Ask yourself: “Are these thoughts going to help me move forward in my life?” Will thinking about someone else’s life or achievements make me feel better in the next five minutes, the next hour, or the next day?
Will these thoughts truly move me toward meaningful actions and behaviours, or will they cause me to judge someone, view myself or others negatively, and end up in a spiral of unhelpful thoughts and feelings?
Be honest with yourself, because no one else can answer these questions for you.
Once you begin thinking about comparison in this way, you can interrupt it. You can recognize that you are falling into the comparison-cycle trap and stop it then and there. At first, it will be hard, but it gets easier with time.
Take it from me: I’m a recovering compar-er (aren’t we all?!).
Life will always place you in situations where you feel that you have to reach the next milestone. “You have to study, graduate, enter a relationship, get married, have children, become successful, and own cars and have tons of money and property”. The list never ends.
When you compare, you despair. When you notice your reaction, you can take meaningful action.
Written By:
Dr. Marina Malak, MD, CCFP, BSc. N (with Special Interest in Psychotherapy)
